Conversation with a closet mystic reading A SOUTHERN LAWYER WHO BECAME A MYSTIC, which can be reached by opening this link to Part One, at the end of which are links to Parts Two and Three:
AmigaEnjoying your book, it’s genuine reflection. Obsessed with what you said last week about everyone having an evil twin. What about someone like your Cha? [The daughter of black American slaves who lived in my parents' home and raised and loved me as her own.]MeEveryone has a demonic twin, as far as I know. It's part of the human design.AmigaThe devil on a shoulder?MeIn her soul. She dealt with it. She was a living saint, not metaphor.Jesus dealt with it. We are better than him and Cha?AmigaI’m not often tempted towards evil other than sloth. Maybe mine is a pastel soul. Certainly not better than.MeI meant, if they had demonic twin, we all do.Who can know all the ways Evil can tempt us?AmigaExactly. That’s a large part for my being solitary. I’m not inviting temptation.MeCould being solitary be avoiding stuff your soul needs to face and be advanced by it?I wonder, for example, about cloistered and or celibate monks and nuns, are they running toward or away from the tests their souls need to advance?AmigaI only know that I always ask for guidance. I don’t care to risk soul degradation in the guise of growing through experience. Hunter S. Thompson comes to mind.MeAlways asking for guidance is prudent, for who can say what might come back? See my blog post today, another go around with Christian turned atheist Jamie, who finally invited me to call into an atheist talk show Sunday afternoon - he said they like hearing from people who believe God exists, but wait! I went past believing a while ago. What might they think if God dialed them directly? Would they call Ghostbusters?
AmigaWhy don’t they know God? Will check it out. On sin, to truly sympathize with the Devil is to avoid needing punishment!MeI imagine the answer lies in the atheists' psyches and life history. My general experience with atheists has been they tend to be decent people, inclined toward doing good. When they get fanatical, though, I wonder what lies underneath it? As if their very well being depends on God does not exist. Lots of religious people talk about God, but what percentage actually directly experience God (or angels of God)? I again am reminded of a black fellow in Texas, who had a reputation for going against the grain, quoted as saying, "Going to church has as much chance of making you a Christian as sitting in your car in your garage has of making you and automobile."AmigaI’ve only had feelings but they’ve been strong. I’ve also always felt watched over and guided. I would feel so lonely here if I identified as atheist and yes they do tend to be decent people.MeEach person is different, angels meet people where they are, not according to some textbook formula. The rub lies in listening, sensing, using their help, if they offer it. I imagine God is pretty busy and delegates details to angels. Angels told a lady I once was with that they don’t know everything. They are doing something assigned, then receive new directions, they move to that. They try to teach some people to live in that way.MeWhen I turned in last night, I thought today I would publish a really juicy email that had arrived yesterday morning, but my dreams last night steered me in a different direction, context unknown, woke up to see new stuff from atheist Jamie, engaged him, was making that today’s blog post when email sender sent new email saying he felt terrible all night and finally was told in a dream I should not publish what he had sent to me yesterday.AmigaAlways seek peace is a tenet of your Cha and the good Judge. You yourself said it best when advising folks to avoid litigation. Avoid confrontation. Avoid conflagration. Embrace simplicity. Chop wood and carry water.I’m asking to find a white azalea that I can take a piece of and I will not be surprised to find it or even be given it in the next few days. God loves to love.MeAzaleas coming into bloom. Sometimes I’m steered to be be gentle, sometimes to confront. What was emailed to me might have caused the sender and me trouble, perhaps ok to publish another time, perhaps not. Cha embodied the Holy Spirit, the judge an Old Testament wise man. Cha’s church was really important t to her, I never knew the judge to attend church. I did see the steel in him from time to time; mostly, though, he was kindly. We never know when God might require we be steel for a while.AmigaSo true, and loving if one must. I enjoyed my Grandmother’s Episcopal church but not enough to make it a habit.MeDon’t know when I’m ever not in church.I think Cha and the judge deserved a lot of credit for achieving their standing with God, while I have to credit angels for redoing me, and perhaps I can take some credit for not killing myself during the really rough places of the the redoing and later trials, but even then angels probably stayed my hand unawaresAmigaEven if you had support there’s strength in not letting the other side take over, example suicide. My grandfather killed himself Christmas Day, 1975. Was such a hateful, narcissistic act that I took a pen and drew a line through his name in the family bible as a kid, 12 or so. My mother, his daughter, never recovered and killed herself on my birthday in 2017. Had not been in contact with her since 2010.
You shut her out? She didn’t contact you?AmigaI had made it clear that I never wanted to speak with or see her. Whether she could help being so or not, she was evil.MeIn that case, perhaps you lack standing to evaluate her suicide. The judge killed himself, and I felt you understood why, and as far as I know I’m the only person of the thousands who knew and revered him, who understood and wrote it.AmigaShe threatened suicide and used the threat as a manipulation tactic my entire life. My Grandmother and I watched a movie together about her, after The Bad Seed, called Night, Mother, starring Sissy Spaceck, who my mother resembled. I understand her suicide, choosing my birthday was absolutely Jenny.The same dark voices speak to me but I consider listening to the bad side to be spiritually lazy so I ask for protection while I am in the throes and no one need know.MeYes, she chose your birthday to try to injure you, then she got some kind of life review, which I doubt she liked.
I wonder how my brother is doing in the afterlife? Every time I drive by the public golf course pond where his body was found, I shake my head at the mess he left. Nothing I can do about it. I was given it to report and assess at my blog. Lots of people in Alabama flocked to the blog for a while, I caught a lot of flack, met new people, some of whom stuck around, who did not think I was totally nuts or just plain mean. A Birmingham blogger accused me of being in on a hit; fabricated evidence to argue my brother didn't kill himself; I suppose thousands of people today are convinced I had my brother killed. I was put to investigate further from time to time and report that. He did what the city police detective and county medical examiner said he did, kill himself and try to make it look like murder, which I published the day he went missing, because it had been revealed to me and a Birmingham journalist at the same time, 1000 miles apart. There were several levels to the why. I was put to publish all of it.I never felt angry with him, I felt sorry for him and his close relations, but especially his children. I wonder, though, if it was better for them that he was gone, than if he had stayed?I wonder the same about your mother. Better for you that she is gone, than if she had stayed?If I scrub your identity, can I published this discussion at my blog?AmigaEveryone from my hometown will know who you’re talking about if you don’t keep it vague, but it’s fine, it’s history and no one should hide truth, especially uncomfortable ones. That I would feel a great relief when my mother left was something she would throw in my face for guilt value. Odd since I never responded in any way other than a objective advice giving on the futility of her perpetually self pitying attitude and behaviors. Which would of course send her reeling down the “Everyone is cold and I am the only deeply feeling person alive” rant and blues.What’s funny is that she didn’t appear herself to have emotional depth, only was a victim of the social structure. She too had a Mammy who was her caregiver and a mother who wished she’d stayed in Atlanta where her coming out as a debutante was in the Social Registry, as well as her regretted marriage.My grandparents both did stints in the state mental hospital, so too my mother, and was so out of control that she was given freedom from her parents by 16. She got pregnant with me when my dad asked how the acid was, the CIA had Dr Humphrey Osmond who was the lsd doctor come to the area in 1971. According to my mother and local gossip, she took lsd every day until weeks before my birth. I’m the result of a CIA experiment, Project Star Gate. My poor mother never had a chance. But didn’t need to be such a wicked pain in my ass.It may have had a different name but was under the umbrella MK Ultra and involved the psychedelic (Dr Osmond coined the term when he dosed Huxley or Leary.)Bruce VanWyngarden’s Aquarius Revisited, 7 Who Created The 60’s Subculture goes into who Dr Osmond dosed and who they affected. No coincidence my meeting him online and reading his book while I was discovering these truths separately. Never coincide.MeWow.AmigaLove your Rosa Mystica poem, best. Brought to mind my favorite art piece, Michelangelo’s Pieta.Didn’t mean to overwhelm you with information, you may understand why I normally don’t share with the group.I’m on a 24 hour Facebook restriction for calling incels little bitches so can only respond via messages.MeMay your affectations always be understood. Facebook has fallen on its own special version politically correct sword. The Rosa Mystical poems says in few words what is wrong with humanity and the cure. Your poem also nails it:
All want the security of the well fed pig.Horror at the baseness unrecognized.A lifetime spent in shirt stuffing.And pen comparison.Is truth more palatable when honeyed?Is a stark soulscape less so with the eyes of Monet?May my affectations always be known and understood.Rosa MysticaSweet MysteryBride of ChristLiving waterWithout whichGod is deadAnd their are no rainbows
AmigaI want to serve love. I love it. If I could help everyone get out of the competition that they were trained to think of as life, what a wonderful place this could be. But I enjoy life and being a example for living simply, with gratitude makes me happy and more grateful. I envy your more direct spiritual experiences and don’t doubt them at all but I don’t judge myself if the powers that be keep me in the baby pool. “Shove me in the shallow water before I get too deep. What I AM is what I AM. Oh my.”MeDoesn't look to me that you are in the baby pool.My friend who sent the juicy email that was not published as per him getting very ill and dreaming not to publish the email, reported dreaming last night that I was before an inquisition being maligned for my reports of having discourse with angels and demons, I was not permitted to talk about the book you like, I was not allowed respond in kind. My family was dragged in by the inquisitors, it went viral, I was the laughing stock everywhere. I asked my friend if he'd read my blog post yesterday? No. I said the dream is a warning I should not call into the atheist talk show.
AmigaI’ve never been prompted to share publicly. If I thought I could do good with sharing, I would.
MeThere's pure carbon steel in your well fed pigs poem, and in how you dealt with your mother. I have had to be pure carbon steel many times, including family matters. And, I am expected to be as gentle as possible, but sometimes it has to be pure carbon steel. Am reminded of this poem that hatched in late 1995:
Truth without love is harsh,Love without Truth is mush,Two sides of the same coin,They live together,Or die.
Amiga“Show me what I need to see.” is in my opinion the greatest tool that you discovered. Psalm 34.4 I sought the Lord and was heard and delivered from all of my fears.MeI ask for that ongoing, have for decades.
AmigaI got it from you.I know you go with God and have faith in your guidance. I appreciate the wealth of knowledge and soul delving in your book and promise to put it to good use. Thank you.Me:Over the years, a number of women and men have received messages for me, and vice versa, I for them. Good thing they closed the state mental 😀