redneck witch fool moon telemarketers scalping party

    The newest chapter in A Redneck Witch’s Tales From the Crypt, being wrote by my Lady Bug, as we move me to her pad this week. If you don’t like laffin’ & cussin’, then better steer clear of rednecks and witches.

Redneck witch fool moon telemarketers scalping party

My phone does not ring much anymore, I wonder why? 

I feel like I should have some laughter today, as I had a somewhat kind of sadness but it's over now. One monkey doesn't stop a show. This train is going to keep on rolling. 

Here are some of my favorite calls. Gary is my deceased husband.

Them: May I please speak to Garrrry?(foreign voice) 

Me: Sure if you can get him out of the river where I put his ashes to go down to the ocean. Hang up.

Them: May I please speak to Crisssss.(foreign voice)

Me: Speaking

Them: Are you ok today? (they want yes on their recorder) Spammers

Me: What the hell do you want?

Them: I noticed you have severe back issues and we can help you. 

Me: I don't have back issues. I have a pain in the ass from these calls plus I got a sexually transmitted disease that my coochie itches all the time and you scratch it until it bleeds. Can you send me some cream or medicine for that? Scabs and blood everywhere. (dead silence on other end) I never knew I could make a man go silent, but I did! Then they hang up.

Political call: Do you mind me asking who you are going to vote for this year? What party?

Me: Honey, I can’t vote. I am a convicted felon for murdering several people, dismembering them, disposing of the bodies, never to be found, I think some were telemarketers. They hang up fast. 

Them:  May I please speak to Gary?

Me: If you hold on, let me go get his urn of ashes and glue him back together, you can then talk to him. Hang up.

Them: Hello Crissssss.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Them: I want to offer you, (whatever they are trying to push) 

Me: I do NOT talk to fucking terrorists. 

Them: Lady, I am American. 

Me: The fuck you are. If you are American, I am not! I do not talk to terrorists in person or on the phone.

I hang up, block them and they call back. I block again.

I sometimes love to fuck with them really nasty when they call. One time, one called to ask me if I needed a new septic tank. My reply (in a deep Southern redneck drawl, “No sweetie, we live in the country, we ain’t got running water and I shit in the woods with a newspaper for toilet paper. They never called again!

Them: I’d like to discuss a trip for you, I am with (never heard of it) travel agency. 

Me: Sweetie, I ain't got no legs and I am blind plus I ain't got no one to take me. Hang up. Got the evil eye from Mr.  Never called back.

Them: Is this Crisssss?

Me: What the hell do you want? 

They started in their bullshit spill about something I was not interested in. I picked up the Bible and I know I read them two chapters, at least.

One time in my little girl voice, I answered the phone. 

Them: May I please speak to one of your parents?’

Me: Nope they are in their room and I am eating a sucker and they told me not to come in there unless the house was on far. I was snorting like I had snot coming out. 

Them: Are you sure they can’t come to the phone?

Me: Nope I can’t. I was told not to come in and I think my Mama is hurt. She is screaming.

Hang up. Never called again!

How I deal with ATT Uverse. 

Them: Welcome to ATT, please say what you need. 

Me: Yayayayayayadkdkdkkdkdt969tt9t9t9 ggiggigiggnnn- like a foreign language at the nail shop. 

Them: I am sorry I did not get that, please say again what you need;

Me: Yayayayayayadkdkdkkdkdt969tt9t9t9 ggiggigiggnnn

Them: Let me get you an agent. 

I go straight to a human, bypass all that button pushing crap.

Yeah, I got fucking full moon madness. I should hang that sign up outside. It is truly a full moon madness. I do not want to go into detail, but it was a bad fucking day and I was nice and didn’t cast any spells or say anything mean to anyone- yet. I wish I could get my 410 and shoot that fucker out of the sky. MMS, like PMS, but Moon Madness. You can lock me in a cellar with no windows or nothing, and I can knock on the door when the moon is about two days from being full and two days after. It is a hard ride to deal with it, but somebody has to do it.

To that man in the full moon. Man in the moon, I’ll be sleeping with zero clothes on tonight, so you can KMA. I hate the moon and what it does to me. Is there any way to escape?  

Now in a few weeks Mercury will be in Retrograde again and I‘ll be batshit crazy again. 

I know most of you are saying, “What's new”?  

I am writing a book. 

I told Bed Bug to make sure it was published when I was dead. That way I won't have to face anyone!!!!! 

He laughed, said, “That ain’t how the moon works. She, not you, Witch, controls the tides. There ain’t no man in the moon, there is only the moon, and she ain’t about to let no man control her, and that’s how it is. As for Mercury, tend to him like he’s a telemarketer.”